Erase and Rewrite and Reach Out
by SweetG
Summary: - Slash, Puck/Kurt-  ...It would all be amazing, if only he could stop hating Quinn for being pregnant, and pretty, and perfect, and Puck's. And stop loving Puck, despite being Quinn's.
1. Chapter 1

_Kurt is small, a little boy. He's nine, or ten._  
_Sometimes he forgets how being touched feels. He goes without it days on end, so he's got no real reason to remember.__  
__And when he does remember, it's a crushing weight on his chest. It's horrible, and nauseating, and so much that he can feel the tears prickling and threatening to fall.__  
__It's like he's got a disease, the way people avoid him. ___

_(He doesn't cry, because he won't give them that satisfaction. That's his one little victory..___

_Bitter, small, frayed, but _his_.) _

_**:::...:::**_

His father and Mercedes. Those are, for a long time, the only two people who ever put their hands on him. Mercedes kisses him, softly, and takes his hand, and hugs him, and caresses him.

Burt is different, he just lets his hand linger on Kurt's shoulder from time to time. For Kurt it's enough,

(Burt is not by any means the most affectionate man on the surface of the earth, but Kurt's his boy. And he'll be damned if his own upbringing keeps him from being the dad his kid needs.)

_****__**:::...:::**_

_Then comes high school. And with high school, come two things: __  
__a) Glee__  
__b) Noah Puckerman_

_**:::...:::**_

Meeting Rachel Berry is like being hit by an overachieving, extremely obnoxious tornado.

She's eager, and earnest, and has absolutely no fashion sense at all.

But when she hugs him tightly, all long and surprisingly strong limbs, and tells him_ pleased to meet you, Kurt_, he can't really hate her.

(That doesn't stop him from mocking her horrible clothing choices all the time; because, _please_.)

_****__**:::...:::**_

Tina Cohen-Chang bites him.

No, really, she_ does_.

Just, _what?_

(Tina smiles at him, and stutters _hi_ and _you look so soft_ and _can i?_ And Kurt thinks she's going to touch him briefly, but she sinks her white and perfect teeth in his wrist, like it's the most normal thing in the world.)

_****__**:::...:::**_

Artie Abrams is the first boy that willingly talks to him on William McKinley, and for awhile, Kurt kind of crushes on him.

(Artie bumps fists with him, and high fives him, and, once, even offers to take him on a ride on his wheelchair. Kurt declines politely, but is so moved that his lip trembles a bit when he smiles to the other boy. Artie makes him feel _normal_.)

_****__**:::...:::**_

Noah Puckerman. Puck.

He is tall, broad, dark, and _mean_. And likes to throw him on dumpsters, push him into lockers, and _try_ to give him swirlies.

He's a jerk.

(But still, he clasps his big hands on Kurt, and lets them linger. He holds him, and presses his calloused fingers to his skin, harsh and unafraid. And if Kurt were to be totally honest with himself, he would admit that it's better than anything else he ever got on middle school.)

_****__**:::...:::**_


	2. Chapter 2

_Kurt is five, or six. He is tiny. So incredibly small._

_And his mother (this beautiful, caring, loving woman) can never get tired of holding him._

_Because there's never been anything or anyone more sacred and precious to Elizabeth Hummel than her son._

_(Kurt remembers his mother's touch, even if he no longer can hear her voice, or see her face without the aid of a picture.) _

_**:::...:::**_

_Finn Hudson joins Glee. It's quite shocking; but, __the honest to god's truth? It's just even more upsetting._

_Because the jock shouldn't be allowed to just invade this safe haven._

_**:::...:::**_

Kurt doesn't dislike Finn. He likes him, he _does_; the boy is dumb as a whole box of rocks, but still _is_ sort of endearing.

It's just... It's just that he thinks that Hudson getting in glee leaves an open door for _people like him_.

...People like Puck, who makes him feel all kinds of weird things and isn't afraid to touch him and _catch the gay_.

('Catch it' as if it were an incurable and infectious illness, is what comes to his mind, and suddenly he _does_ feel sick and wants to throw up.)

_**:::...:::**_

Finn acts like he doesn't care, but he does. He flinches and offers strained and fake smiles when he tries to reach out. And more often than not, his fingers shake a little in hesitation.

Kurt doesn't know how to react, so he says nothing at all and tries to move on.

_Tries_, the same way he keeps trying to like Finn (like him the way he's supposed to, _really_ like him).

Because he wants high school crushes, and fumbling naivety; he wants silly prudishness and that awkward tingling sensation all over. He wants all of that and more, he wants to fall in love like everyone else and get to hold hands and share blissed out smiles, and be a little dumb.

(He gets a shove in the hallways, a once over, and yesterday's lunch on his brand new McQueen sweater.)

_**:::...:::**_

Along with Finn come Quinn, Santana, and Brittany. Which is so, _so_, wrong.

How can Schue think for even a second that their intentions are anything less than vile? They're obviously Coach Sylvester's pseudo spies, and want to find a way to dissolve them from within.

(Quinn is horrible to everyone, but she walks around like someone who is in need of reality and friendship. Kurt would pity her, if she wasn't so easy to hate. Santana is a _bitch_ and frowns in disgust all the time, and acts like _everything_ and _everyone_ is _so_ below her. Kurt, however, can see the passing besotted smiles she keeps shooting at Brittany. Brittany...

Brittany is a little obtuse. But nice. Sincerely nice. From the depths of her heart, nice. And she likes to wait until they are more or less alone to climb all over him and kiss his cheeks and his forehead, and whatever else he lets her.)

_**:::...:::**_

Brittany can, sometimes, be surprisingly insightful (despite her tendence towards generally being as dim as a malfunctioning light bulb); in her own, barely comprehensible, way.

She walks by him one day, as he's complaining to Mercedes about this one perfect Hermès scarf that Puck ruined by throwing him in the dumpster with, and says _it's about touching what you can't get to_ in a soft and airily lilting voice.

Kurt doesn't really get her at the moment; but then again, like most people, he doesn't really get _Brittany_ as a whole.

_**:::...:::**_

_He starts doing football, Puck (and Mike, and Matt) start doing Glee._

_Things get complicated._

_**:::...:::**_

At some point or other, the trips to the dumpster start dwindling until they stop altogether. So do the shoulder checks, and the attempted swirlies.

It would be awesome, if it wasn't for the crushing, unshakable emotion that settles onto him. A twisted and unjustifiable feeling of pure loss.

_**:::...:::**_

The dumpster dives weren't about causing pain. They were, at least from what he could tell, about humiliation; about making a public statement on how being different could fare for anyone who dared to try and be it.

Kurt could get that. It was basic and primitive, and extremely bigoted; but, still, he could understand their sorry excuse for logic.

But this? This strange waltz Puck has started dancing around him?

He really doesn't see the point to _that_.

(Puck starts talking to him. In an almost amicable way. He starts treating him like he treats Mike or Matt, or even Finn. He puts his arm around Kurt's shoulders, and shares his sexist jokes with him. He even drops the _faggot_ in favour of _Hummel_.)

_**:::...:::**_

_Somewhere along the line, he decides to stop fighting himself. _

_**:::...:::**_

He is tired, spread thin, and worn around the edges. And he wants, wants _so much._

Wants with an overwhelming intensity, and a crippling fervour.

And yes, yes, it is sick, and gross, and seriously creepy.

Because these things he always wanted? This wholesome 'high school romance' thing?

He wants it. With Noah Puckerman.

(He prays to whatever entity all these people seem to think there is out there, for some semblance sanity.)

_**:::...:::**_

_Some time ago, t__here was this boy. He was a real douche._

_And there was this girl. She was a bit too uptight._

_And they didn't really get along. _

_(The first time Burt talked to Elizabeth was to call her a dyke. The first time Elizabeth touched Burt was to slap him.)_

_**:::...:::**_


	3. Chapter 3

_He cries. And cries, and cries, and cries. And then cries some more.__  
__He is two days old.___

_Newborn babies are sorta ugly.__  
__Except Kurt. Kurt is soft, and his skin is a bit splotchy but so... so beautiful. __  
__He's got big eyes, watery and clear, and he's read on his Elizabeth's books that he can't see much (if at all) right now, but he can't help but think that the kid can see right into his soul, read him like a magazine.__  
__And Kurt's hands. They take his breath away. Those crinkled and tiny fingers wrap around just one of his big and rough ones, and just like that he can feel his stomach droping to his knees. ___

_The second he holds his son on his arms, he knows he's never loved anything in his enire life the way he loves this pink, small, soft person.___

_Burt (Burt Hummel who's used to being one of those big, tough guys) spends hours tracing his baby boy's fingers with reverence, and kissing his feet, and running his nose up and down the soft flesh on the baby's tummy; he spends entire days pressing his ear to the baby's back, feeling him breathe.___

_(Kurt can't remember.)_

_**:::...:::**_

_Puck is a good guy.__  
__He is just kind of an asshole, too.__  
__And, also, he's Quinn's baby daddy.___

_Kurt wishes that made him want the boy any less. _

_**:::...:::**_

He's tired, and cranky, and he ends up spilling his guts to his best friend.

(Mercedes is empathic and sympathetic about the entire inappropriately crushing on Noah Puckerman ordeal. She is there for him, and doesn't try to give him any kind of unwanted advice. She just feeds him Ben&Jerry's, and holds him for long periods of time, running her warm soothing hands over all his sensitive spots with practiced ease.

No one else notices, and for a week or two, it feels like it is –once again- them against the world, hand in hand and arm in arm and blending translucent white with luscious brown.)

_****__**:::...:::**_

And it would all be fine and dandy, if it wasn't for the fact that Puck's being so damn nice to Kurt. So... So_decent_. So great, and so different from the Noah Puckerman that used to throw him into dumpsters, and place his big calloused hands on Kurt's shoulders to push him (_over the edge_) against lockers, and walls, and doors.

It would all be freaking okay, if it wasn't for Quinn looking like the sky's brightest star, all beauty and motherhood, and the earth's miracles coming out of her pores. All flawless impending doom.

It would all be amazing, if only he could stop hating Quinn for being pregnant, and pretty, and perfect, and Puck's. And stop loving Puck, despite being Quinn's.

(He doesn't ever notice Quinn's lingering eyes on his back, her hands splayed on her stomach, rubbing quiet cricles as she hums to her bump and looks at him in a way that talks about knowledge and wisdom; a way that screams _i know this perfect little secret, and i'm holding on to it; i'm cherishing it and keeping it with me, between my lips, and just under my tongue_.)

_**;:::...:::**_

_He introduces Carole Hudson to his father, under the delusion that that will get him more time with Finn, and thus, he'll finally start feeling all the proper things he should feel when he looks at the taller teen. All those things he wants, and can't get.___

_Burt and Carole look at each other, and Kurt feels his stomach churning a bit painfully; he knows they are right for each other, when they shake hands and they both look like they've been struck by something wide and unexpected. _

_****__**:::...:::**_

There's fighting, and there's screaming, and there's Finn being an homophobe towards him; and then, there's his father yelling at Finn, and telling him in no uncertain terms that he's no longer welcome in the Hummel household.

Kurt's plan? Doesn't really work.

(Finn tries to redeem himself by means of wearing a red shower curtain and telling Karofsky and Azimio to lay off of him.

It is a sweet gesture, and Kurt can almost forgive him. But when Finn reaches out towards him, he finds himself backing away. He simply doesn't want to have those hands on him.

Not yet. And perhaps not ever.

Needless to say, Kurt gives up on the Finn thing.)

_**:::...:::**_

_Regionals come, and even though they know their chances of actually winning are close to none, they put on their best performance so far. They are fire, and they burn everyone to the core with their intensity. They're amazing.___

_Three minutes after performing, Quinn's water breaks. ___

_Beth is the single most perfect human being Kurt's ever seen.__  
__Everyone knows, when they watch Shelby Corcoran hug a shaking Quinn, that Beth won't be_ theirs._  
__It hurts._

_**:::...:::**_

The school year is ending, and Kurt hopes that with it, everything else will just go away, too.

And, yes, by 'else' he means his convoluted, _screwed up_ feelings.

However, nothing in his life ever goes out as it is intended to, and when he's walking towards his Navigator on the last day before summer break, he notices that Puck's sitting on the hood of his ride, looking like someone out of a fashion magazine's ad, carefree and gorgeous. And staring right at him, with an indistinguishable look on his eyes, intense and final.

Puck looks like someone who's made up their mind, someone who knows clearly and without the shadow of a doubt what they want.

And Kurt suddenly stands still, hands on the strap of his bag. Because _it can't be._

Puck (_Noah_) smirks at him, and when he gets tired of waiting for Kurt, he just raises up from the hood and starts walking towards Kurt, hands tucked inside his (faded and fairly disgusting) jeans' pockets.

When the broader teen reaches him, his smirk softens at the edges, and he takes one of his big dark hands out of his pocket to place it on top of Kurt's right one.

"'Sup, Hummel?" He mumbles, and then "Give me a ride?"

And then he's lacing their fingers and pulling.

_**:::...:::**_

_Some people still treat him like he's sick, like he's something polluted, something that should be broken down, and thown out. Some people still refuse to touch him, afraid of _catching the gay_. ___

_But it doesn't really matter anymore. Because there's other people, people who care, who reach out for him.___

_(Noah touches Kurt like he is made out of gold, like he's this wonderful thing he can't ever get enough from; kisses him deep and slow and dirty, and bites and licks every nook and cranny of his body.) _

_**:::...:::**_


End file.
